Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
