Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
