During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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