Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
