Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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