I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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