Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
