Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
