1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
