I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
