Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
