i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
only you would photoshop your dick
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize