I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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