I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize