Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
