He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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