the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
