On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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