Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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