You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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