i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
