No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
