my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
