Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
