I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
