i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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