We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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