I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
