nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
