I haven't been this sober since birth.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
