it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
