be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
