this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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