fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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