sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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