A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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