we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize