Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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