you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
