she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
