sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize