My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
