dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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