Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
