Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
