flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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