my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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