I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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