We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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