How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize