So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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