handjob tips. give me some.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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