so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
