He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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