you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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