I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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