I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So many bounce houses so little time
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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