I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You need Xanax blowdarts
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
