My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
