I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
