Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
