Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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