his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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