Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
