I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
