I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
