It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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