The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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